Grief and Community

It's good to be home. The week of continuing education in Massachusetts was wonderful! I had the opportunity to hear Meghan Riordan Jarvis, author of several books on grief, including, Can Anyone Tell Me? Essential Questions About Grief and Loss? I appreciate opportunities for CE and I like to share something I learned.

As some of you know, I am a certified grief counselor, and being with those who are wrestling with loss is central to my call. Jarvis reminds us that grief is a neurobiological reality, not just an emotional “phase”. Grief impacts memory, sleep, mood, and self‑identity. Grief is embodied: and often shows up as fatigue, physical pain, appetite changes, and disconnection. I think everyone in our congregation lives with loss. In time, healing comes through continuing bonds—staying connected to those who are no longer with us, through memory, rituals, symbols, (and I would add “linking objects”).  

Jarvis approaches grief from a psychological perspective. Yet, her teaching includes an emphasis on “community”, which of course reminded me of church. She says the first medicine for a dysregulated, grieving body is co‑regulation—the steadying presence of safe others that helps breath, heart rate, and thoughts come back within tolerable ranges. She encourages grievers to build “micro‑communities” (two to five dependable people) rather than seeking a single perfect confidant or a large audience. She says we need to find small circles who will offer three essentials: witness (someone who can bear the story without fixing it), rhythm (predictable check‑ins that reduce the loneliness of long nights and hard anniversaries), and ritual (shared practices—lighting a candle, walking, cooking a favorite dish—that carry the bond forward).

Jarvis also reframes ways a community can be the most supportive: it’s specific, paced, and sustainable. Specific means concrete offers: “I can text you every Thursday at 5 for a month” is much better than saying “Let me know if you need anything”. Community helps by matching the griever’s speed rather than hurrying them toward “closure.” (There’s no such thing as closure.) Community care is small, repeatable acts—meals, texts, calls, cards, hugs and "seeing”. Grief does not follow “timeframes” or stages. A year is not a milestone. Community is finding a few who can sit in the dark with you. Community, she argues, is a central path of healing. May we be that kind of community of healing for one another

Full disclosure--after the CE week ended, Joey and I drove to Cambridge for three days of vacation—but within three hours, I became very ill—landing in urgent care the following afternoon. (I am much better now.) Monday, sitting in O’Hare, our flight was delayed, I was not a happy camper and I just wanted to be home. But I texted my friend, “I look forward to seeing my Westminster peeps.” Missed you the two Sundays I was away. (Many thanks to Rev. Bill Havens and Riley.)  

Hope to see you all on Sunday, when we share in Holy Communion, community, and healing…together.

Blest be the tie that binds…

Pastor Micki